Shore Leave/Transcript

[Screen shows Salad Fingers digging the dirt outside his house with a rusty spoon, and eating it. He stops, disappointed, and lifts up his hand to reveal Majory Stewart Maxter.]

Salad Fingers: You're absolutely right, Marjory. T-the floor sugar goes taste rather queer i-in this area. We ought to make a record of our findings.

[Screen zooms out to show multiple holes Salad Fingers dug. He walks up to a large hole with Hubert Cumberdale next to it.]

Salad Fingers: Hubert Cumberdale! H-you've been rather busy.

[Salad Fingers looks down the hole, and gasps.]

Salad Fingers: H-w-what's this? H-could it be... K-Kenneth?

[Screen cuts to the inside of the hole. A corpse of a male is seen. It cuts back to Salad Fingers.]

Salad Fingers: Back from the great war? H-my very own little Kenneth, h-h-back on shore leave to see his older brother. (Pulls the body out of the hole) It was frightfully rude of you blokes to leave for the great war without me. Come inside, and i'll fix you a nice hot bath.

[Screen cuts to Salad Fingers house. He walks up to his cupboard, with a long clothesline out of it. He spins a cog that draws Kenneth out of the closet, wearing a white suit and tie.]

Salad Fingers: Lock up your daughters tonight, General. (Whistles, impressed) There'll be trouble in the maidens' quarters. (Puts his hand on Kenneth's shoulders) M-maybe you can come and tuck me in tonight, s-sailor. (Moves Kenneth closer to him, playfully) Stop that! T-the great Kenneth, b-back from the great war to spread his wild oats.

[Screen cuts to Salad Fingers table. He's sitting at it with Kenneth, and with plates of food, and a mug for Kenneth.]

Salad Fingers: H-I hope you like sand.

[Kenneth slumps over and falls onto the table.]

Salad Fingers: H-are you feeling a little sleepy?

[Salad Fingers lifts up Kenneth's head, and places a wooden dent-rail between his head and the table.]

Salad Fingers: This wooden dent-rail should help h-if one's feeling rather slumberous. Heh. I've been keeping myself rather busy here. H-working every shift i can. H-I used to sing, a-at all the functions! H-from Croxley Heath, to Cowdenbeath. (Lifts up a kettle.) W-would you care for a spot of ruby tea?

[Salad Fingers purposely misses the mug, and pours the hot tea onto Kenneth's hand. The tea appears to be black.]

Salad Fingers: (Rolls eyes)O-oh! Clumsy me. H-I must have slipped.

[Screen cuts to Salad Fingers kitchen stove. A of pot of water is being boiled on it.]

Salad Fingers: I-I was just telling Marjory here about our frolicking by the riverside many summers ago.

[Screen shows a flash back of Salad Fingers walking from his house and up to a tree with a measuring wheel.]

Salad Fingers: Twenty-one. Twenty-one yards from the front door today. H-it seems you're quite the slowcoach, Mr. Branches. (Whispers) You've barely shuffled an inch all week.

[Scene cuts back to Salad Fingers. He's sitting there smiling, while Kenneth is leaning forwards, about to fall again.]

Salad Fingers: I'd very much like another vanilla crown, s-said brother from the great war. (Smacks Kenneth's hand with his rusty spoon) Well you have yet to eat your beef stroganoff.

[Screen cuts to the outside of Salad Fingers house. It's nighttime, and Salad Fingers is back at the large hole with Kenneth. Kenneth is back to wearing his original shirt.]

Salad Fingers: (Crying) W-well, b-back you go then. *Sniff* Back to the ghastly trenches. (Quiet sobbing) I-I only ask that our creator return you unspoiled from the cruel hand of war. (Salutes, and starts to sing 'We'll meet again' from Vera Lynn) ♪ We'll meet again. Don't know where, h-don't know when. ♪ (Kicks Kenneth back into the hole.)

[The scene cuts to a flash back (not sure if it actually happened or not) of Salad Fingers on stage with a string puppet pianist playing the song 'We'll meet again' for a crowd below. Salad Fingers is wearing a white dress, and is singing the song into a microphone.]

Salad Fingers: ♪ We'll meet again. Don't know where, don't know when. But i know- ♪ Augh. (To the pianist) No! Your doing it all wrong. H-your not playing in the right key.

[Salad Fingers walks off the stage, while the pianist continues to play the song.]

[END]