Birthday/Transcript

Birthday (Transcript)
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[Screen shows Salad Fingers in his house. It's decorated for a birthday party with balloons and lights, and there are presents in the corner. Salad Fingers is wearing a party hat.]

Salad Fingers: A-A-As it's Hubert's birthday, h-it would be rather polite if you took a hot bath, h-M-Milford Cubicle.

[Salad Fingers walks up to Milford Cubicle's rotting corpse, which is still hanging on the hook from Episode 3. He is also wearing a party hat.]

Salad Fingers: (Lifts up Milford Cubicle's head with his finger) You're a bit pooey.

[Salad Fingers lifts up his hand to reveal Hubert Cumberdale on his finger. He has legs with trousers sewn onto him, and he's wearing a brown top hat.]

Salad Fingers: Hubert Cumberdale! Ooh. Them's trousers a bit posh, sunshine. And how old are you going to be? (Makes the finger puppet whisper into his "ear." He whistles, impressed) They do grow up fast.

[Salad Fingers hears a slow knocking at his door, as he listens and looks around, nervously.]

Salad Fingers: Who on earth could that be? H-it's far to early for guests.

[Salad Fingers opens his door to find a large white pole in front of him.]

Salad Fingers: Who the devil are you? (Walks up to the pole) L-let's see what the fingers make of all this.

[Salad Fingers strokes the pole with finger, before quickly stopping, disturbed by it.]

Salad Fingers: It... you appear to be free of all information.

[Salad Fingers looks up to see how tall the pole really is. It reaches past the clouds. Salad Fingers turns, and looks at his hands.]

Salad Fingers: (Hatefully) Ugh. I-I would advise you, young Binnicans, not to associate yourselves with such an ignorant texture-less pole! (Stops for a moment) Are you Hubert's birthday stick? No answer. As I expected.

[Salad Fingers walks back into his house, and closes the door. He walks up to Milford Cubicle again.]

Salad Fingers: Come on, sludgeworth. I won't ask you again.

[Salad Fingers pokes Milford, making him fall off the hook.]

Salad Fingers: Well someone's a saggy slumberchops. Hold on, h-this might get your gears in motion.

[Salad Fingers crouches down, and preforms a jack-in-the-box motion with his hand near his head and opens his mouth, revealing his teeth that are moving and bending as a music box theme plays. His irises slowly grow larger, as he plays faster and faster. The screen shakes vigorously, until Salad Fingers finally stops noticing that it isn't cheering up Milford.]

Salad Fingers: Oh dear, not a smirk. Oh, what a day you've chosen to fall under.

[Salad Fingers gets up, and walks up to a mirror on a shelf. Horace Horsecollar is also on the shelf.]

Salad Fingers: Horace, you’re in charge until I get back.

[Screen cuts to Salad Fingers, who isn’t wearing his party hat, walking through some sort of desolate forest full of dead trees. He lifts up his hand to show Hubert Cumberdale on his finger.]

Salad Fingers: Don't you crumple your face up at me, Hubert Jason Cumberdale! We've a duty to fetch the doctor since our wandering guest has fallen ill.

[Salad Fingers walks up to a full dumpster bin. He leans over and begins rummaging through the objects inside.]

Salad Fingers: Now sit tidy, and wait for the GP. (Gasps) There he is!

[Salad Fingers pulls out a hand puppet of a disturbing doctor with black eyes and horse teeth. It has needles and metal pointy claws for hands. The puppet appears to be alive, gnashing its teeth and making gurgling noises.]

Salad Fingers: Trusty old Dr. Papanak.

[Screen cuts to Salad Fingers laying himself down on a stonework bench with Dr. Papanak still on his hand.]

Salad Fingers: H-j-just here for the old once-over, Doc. Heh!

[Dr. Papanak continues to make creepy gurgling noises. The puppet gets closer to Salad Fingers, but just keeps pushing it away, seeming to get a bit worked up and nervous.]

Salad Fingers: (In a higher voice) Uhm... Hmeh. I-I-I suppose you'll be checking me h-h-for nimpers h-and camel spots.

[Dr. Papanak starts to nibble around Salad Fingers' neck, as he starts moaning with pleasure, getting more intense. Suddenly, Dr. Papanak bites Salad Fingers on the side of his head, causing him to bleed.]

Salad Fingers: Ow!

[Salad Fingers sits up, and throws the puppet in fear. As Dr. Papanak goes flying, a bunch of scalpels and knifes stick out from the bottom. It latches onto the side of a life-sized Horace Horsecollar and starts clawing into his flesh, blood and chunks splattering onto the puppet. Salad Fingers watches, scared. Horace Horsecollar doesn't move; he just stares at Salad Fingers with large, sad eyes. Salad Fingers' expression slowly changes from scared to relaxed and smiling.]

Salad Fingers: I-I know it hurts. Just try and sit still whilst the Doctor eats your blood.

[A single tear rolls down Horace Horsecollar's face, as the doctor continues to dig a deep gash into the horse. The scene fades.]

[Screen cuts to Salad Fingers still laying on the stonework bench. He is wrinkled and has started to grow some facial hair. His clothes are damaged and dirty. A tree has started to grow between his legs. He lifts himself up.]

Salad Fingers: Well switch my knickers. We're awfully late. I must have slept for six Mondays.

[Screen shows Hubert Cumberdale on the floor where Salad Fingers must of dropped him. He has small facial hairs. Salad Fingers walks back to his house. He opens the door to find 2 horses in the house, including stitched up Horace Horsecollar.]

Salad Fingers: Christ in staples! H-Horace, I said you could bring one friend.

[Salad Fingers walks up to a cupboard and opens it, to see a horse squished inside. He opens a drawer to find another horse crammed inside it. He opens a wardrobe to find two more horses squished inside. Salad Fingers walks around, looking at the horses. He suddenly gasps, and bends down next to the remains of Milford Cubicle. He is just a skeleton. Salad Fingers grows concerned.]

Salad Fingers: Mr. Cubicle! H-what's become of your outer casing? Y-you're but a hollow structure! (Gets back up, angry at the horses) You foul creatures. When I find which one of you wretched beasts consumed Mr. Cubicle's flesh, Oh, there'll be heavens to pay.

[Salad Fingers starts sweeping and shooing the horses out of the house with a broom.]

Salad Fingers: Go on, bugger off! The bloody lot of ya. Get out of my house!

[As Salad Fingers walks out of the house with the horses, he gasps. The pole is back.]

Salad Fingers: (Angrily) You again. I bet you're the ringleader here, aren't you? H-you should feel a great shame for this outcome, sir. A great shame. (looks past the pole) Oh! H... I see you invited... the whole platoon.

[Salad Fingers walks up to a table not too far from them. Sitting at it are five zombie-like clones of other Salad Fingers, as they are groaning and eating organs and body parts.]

Salad Fingers: (Shyly) I-I-Is this remaining seat reserved for me? (Silently sits at the empty seat)

[The other Salad Fingers don't even notice him. They continue to eat in a disturbing manner. One is chewing bloody body pieces from his mug. One is excitedly eating a large brain, and the one next to it is bashing its fist onto a bloody and squished eyeball. One sitting next to Salad Fingers bashes its fists onto the table, and screeches demonically. Salad Fingers just sits there, a little uncomfortable. The ground starts to shake, as Salad Fingers looks around. The pole is digging deeper into the earth, and on the top is a wrapped gift box. Salad Fingers notices it, and grows excited.]

Salad Fingers: (Excited noises) O-for me? Oh! (More noises of excitement) I thought you'd all forgotten!

[It shows two of the other Salad Fingers, as one glances over at the gift. Salad Fingers walks up to the gift, and pulls the ribbon bow, making the box open up. Inside is a top hat made out of Milford Cubicle’s flesh and apron. Salad Fingers gasps and awes, as he puts it on.)

Salad Fingers: I-I-I shall wear it from here to the grave! What a truly special day.

[The screen zooms out on Salad Fingers wearing the hat, as the others are still eating at the table.]

[END]