[Salad Fingers is walking through the Barren Wasteland with a satchel full of letters. He also has a postman cap on. A slowed-down version of Beware the friendly stranger is playing in the background.]
Salad Fingers: (while raising his hand to read a sheet of paper) Ooo...a letter for Mrs. Tupperworth down the old dirt path.
[Zoom out; he’s standing next to a tree.]
Salad Fingers: I-I'll just leave it here. (He puts the letter on the tree's branch.)
[Next, he’s squatting down, talking to a rock.]
Salad Fingers: Bartholomew Degryse, my oldest chum...hopefully the legal troubles are behind you.
[Cut to a grate.]
Salad Fingers: (while slipping a stained and tattered sheet of paper down the grate) One for Uncle Kevin...who lives in the drain.
[He kneels down and puts a bundle of sticks/bones near a dark, chopped tree with black goop coming out. He stands up again.]
Salad Fingers: And it’s back to the postal counting house.
[He walks to the skeleton of a car and puts down his satchel.]
Salad Fingers: (while wiping sweat from his forehead) What a slog!
[Cut to a rotting dog carcass sitting in an old door to a car. Then cut back to Salad Fingers, who looks flustered.]
Salad Fingers: Oh! Hello...um...well...I...they must be hiring new...staff...(blushing) I mean...certainly...younger...than the usual...I-I-I suppose...this would be...a part-time affair...between...school...and...um...ohh.
[Cut to Rotting Dog Carcass.]
Salad Fingers: Oh dear.
[Cut to Rotting Dog Carcass and Salad Fingers.]
Salad Fingers: How utterly spell-binding to witness such beauty in the flesh.
[Salad Fingers holds Rotting Dog Carcass' paw and sniffs it.]
Salad Fingers: Smells like pastry pots... I'd be honored if you'd take my fingers and accompany me to the Ball.
[Fades to Salad Fingers wearing a suit and toupee, sitting on a rock at night. Fingers nervously looks around, sighs and looks at a supposed watch on his wrist.]
Salad Fingers: I'm far too early. She won't even have brushed her teeth yet.
[Salad Fingers digs through his pocket and pulls out Hubert Cumberdale who's also wearing a toupee.]
Salad Fingers: Hubert Cumberdale? You're not invited to my courting session. Heh-how very rude of you to tag along.
[Hubert's face morphs to have more human qualities like blue eyes, chubby, blushed cheeks, red lips and a brown set of upper teeth.]
Hubert Cumberdale: Why must you keep so many secrets Mr. Fingers?
[Hubert's face morphs back to normal]
Salad Fingers: I'll pretend you didn't say that.
[Cut to Rotting Dog Carcass hanging from a tree branch, surrounded by three crows. Zoom out; show's the back of Salad Fingers head watching from a distance.]
Salad Fingers: (Gasps)
[Salad Fingers heads over to Rotting Dog Carcass. He starts waving his hands around her, shooing away the crows.]
Salad Fingers: Oy! Shoo! Get out of it! Bugger off! She's taken thank you very much.
[Salad Fingers picks up Rotting Dog Carcass and gazes at her.]
Salad Fingers: Augh. These eyes (subtitles pointing at Salad Fingers' eyes) weren't equipped to process such ravishing beauty!
[Salad Fingers breathes heavily with pleasure. Fade to Rotting Dog Carcass hanging on a tree with Salad Fingers and a tree stump in-between them acting as a table with two candles, a wine glass, and what looks like a dog food bowl.]
Salad Fingers: You're probably wondering why I brought you to a quiet place like this. Well, word gets around in these parts h-heh, bu-but enough about me tell me about yourself.
[Rotting Dog Carcass seemingly takes a deep breath and inflates its body. She then belches out some kind of gas.]
Salad Fingers: Your eyes are a deep lagoon with enchanted waters euhugh. What I wouldn't do to keep you under my floors. To take you on my bike and lose you in the moors.
[Cut to the floor to show green tendrils coming out of the ground wrapping around Salad Fingers' feet and sliding and wriggling up his trouser legs. Salad Fingers starts to moan. Rotting Dog Carcass belches again as her head droops down and stops smiling. Salad Fingers walks up to her and puts his fingers at the ends of her lips and then drags them upwards.]
Salad Fingers: You're not fully dressed without a smile.
[Cut to a wider shot to see crows flying past and pecking at the ground. Cut to Salad Fingers looking worried as he looks away from the crows, clasps his hands and brings them to his chest.]
Salad Fingers: They're all looking and judging. Envy I'd say.
[Salad Fingers holds Rotting Dog Carcass' paw.]
Salad Fingers: Come on, I'll take you elsewhere.
[Fade to a montage of Salad Fingers walking around the Barren Wasteland with Rotting Dog Carcass being carried on his shoulder. He plays with her by poking at her with a stick while she lays flat on a rock. He walks to a mud pile with many dead and rotten plants except for one orange flower. Fingers plucks at the flower then eats it. He opens Rotting Dog Carcass' mouth and pours a brown liquid substance from his wine glass as she lays on a tree branch. Fingers then halts while on his trek.]
Salad Fingers: (Gasps) It's almost 3 weeks until The Queen's birthday. How she must feel!
[Fade to the continued montage. Salad Fingers pushes Rotting Dog Carcass on a swing. He then starts spinning around with her in his hands as her flesh flaps in the air. He then takes her by one hand and swings her around like a lasso while he smiles. He then drags her into the sunset while crows peck at the corpse. Quick fade to Salad Fingers waking up in his bed in a panic.]
Salad Fingers: (Gasps) Something about this isn't right.
[Salad Fingers pulls his blanket to reveal Rotting Dog Carcass on the other side of his bed.]
Salad Fingers: You're half my age!
[Cut to the bedroom door as the sound of aggressive wood scraping and barking can be heard on the other side.]
Salad Fingers: They're here to take me away! To tell a man who he can and cannot love.
Rotting Dog Carcass: (Deep, muffled, unintelligible noises)
Salad Fingers: Your parents hate me, they always have.
[Salad Fingers looks at the door in concern. Fade to the bedroom door now with a note on the doormat as Salad Fingers approaches it and picks it up. Fingers reads the note and looks down in sorrow. Fade to Salad Fingers carrying Rotting Dog Carcass as he walks across the Barren Wasteland. He returns to the dark, chopped tree with black goop and flops Rotting Dog Carcass onto the floor. Salad Fingers starts to stroke her belly.]
Salad Fingers: I appreciate the time we spent together, but I just can't be who you want me to be.
[Zoom out; shows Salad Fingers as he watches the chopped tree shake vigorously and unnaturally while it emits a black smoke. Out of a carved opening within the tree crawls out a dog with its head replaced with a decapitated baby's head. Baby Head Dog growls.]
Salad Fingers: I knew this day would come. You aren't ready to lose your daughter.
[Baby Head Dog bites down on Rotting Dog Carcass' flesh and drags it back into the tree.]
Salad Fingers: I was a fool to think she'd be the next Mrs. Fingers.
[Fade to black as the last of Rotting Dog Carcass is seen.]
[END]
| Salad Fingers Episode Transcripts |
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